Let me start by reminding you that I am clueless to many of the world’s mysteries- especially pre-teen girls but especially pre-school boys. Case in point- I was showering with my boy the other day after the pool. Dad usually showers with him but I thought it would be ok since we were both needed to wash up. Mistake #1 (or 12,435 if you are keeping track). Yes- I learned the hard way that he is officially too old to shower with his mother. I noticed him staring at my private parts. I tried to distract him and turned away. He turns towards me again and continues to stare intently. Needless to say I am quite uncomfortable. Finally he asks “What happened to it?” “What happened to what?” I ask. “Your penis” he says. “Um” I stammer, “Girl’s don’t have penises, we have, ummm…ponytails”. He seems satisfied for now.
Next day we are driving to my daughters school and the voice from the backseat asks “How do you do it?”. “How do I do what?” I ask. “Pee” he says. “Pee” I ask. “Nevermind…..” I know what this is about. “You mean how do I pee because I don’t have a penis?” I ask. “Yes”. ”Well, boys have penis’s and girls have ponytails”. I only say this to him because when we taught him the word penis he went to pre-school and taught a class about anatomy to his friends. I don’t think he is ready for the female anatomy. The answer seems to satisfy him for the moment.
The next day out of nowhere he asks “Did an animal eat it off?”. Once again, I know where this is going. “You mean my penis?” “Yes”. “Honey- girls to not have penis’s. We have a little hole to let us pee” hoping that will end the questioning. “That doesn’t sound right” he says. “Maybe my teacher will know”. Later that day he goes up to my daughters 5th grade teacher, “Excuse me- I need to tell you a question”. My hand goes over his mouth and I get him out of there-fast.
Thursday morning- we are watching 19 Kids and Counting and they interview the young lady surfer that had her arm taken by a shark. You can see the smoke billowing from my son’s head and his eyes are like saucers. “Is that what happened to your penis mom??? Did a shark ate it off???” My daughter runs out of the room laughing hysterically.
Friday- he is in the shower with Dad. I’m waiting with a towel to get him out. “You have a big penis and I have a small penis Dad” he says. “Mom doesn’t have one anymore because a shark ate it and she can’t pee now” he tells my husband. Again- hysterical laughing ensues. I beg my husband to have a talk with his son but he only adds fuel to the fire by suggesting that it was a whale shark.
The next week- to follow up on the sea life unit he has been learning about at pre-school I plan a trip to the aquarium. Mistake #??? We are barely in the door before he shouts out “Is that him? Is that the one that ate your penis mom?” If there had been cracks in the floor I would have hidden in them. Later he sees an attendant and runs up to her, all the while with both hands guarding his crotch. “We are looking for a special shark that took my mom’s……” Hand over the mouth again. And yes, he did go through the entire aquarium with his hands over his private parts. That’s why I am not posting any pictures from that trip.
That is where we left it. I’m waiting for it to come up again but have no idea what to say to get him to drop it once and for all. One thing is for sure- I won’t be letting any three year olds see me naked for a long, long time!